well it's almost another 1 year anniversary. READ: Prepare yourself for vomit.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

i'm starting to get this feeling that i use these anniversaries to invoke emotion that isn't always there in my everyday life, and reflect on just about any and everything i have been through. like a narcissism thing. like i'm looking for just any good reason to talk about myself and my life and my issues and my interests. but i guess i can write whenever and about whatever i feel like. it's a free country last time i checked. so maybe i don't need to validate myself and i'll just write and have no good excuse. because technically the 1 year anniversary of my husband proposing marriage to me isn't until December 25. I'm sure i'll write then too.

me? narcissistic? i'm a passive aggressive narcissistic. (I can't even spell that fuckin word)

as in:

Rodney: You're hot.

Me: nuh uh. look at my eyebrows, they are out of control. i need to tweeze. (said as i flex the guns looking clearly down at my arms and not giving a bit of attention to hiding my crappy eyebrows)

Rodney: Seriously. You're hot.

Me: (Rolling over and acting all coy when we both know i'm showing off my ass on purpose) I know.....You're hot too.

Rodney: (who doesn't act or pretend or play the passive bullshit games we women do) I know.

I truly am trying to find and search for things to write about because I had promised myself I'd write everyday while I was off work to instill the writing habit so I can get going on this novel that I'm no closer to figuring out the subject to than I was when I was 12 and Ihad then decided that at 12 my life was just so intersting that the entire world would read my memoir. It wasnt true then and it's even less true now. But someday I do hope to inflict the equisite pain of my personal writings on the shelves of some chain book store that will sell my soul and thoughts for 24.99 (i'm going hardcover baby) Just as soon as I find time to actually sit, write, outline, and figure out who to blame for my being the way I am. Somewhere in between picking up fucking poptart crumbs out of my car, watching soap operas, washing 4 loads of dishes a day when it is just my SPOUSE and ME HERE THIS WEEKEND...cooking ramen noodles and crushing tylenol to snort, I guess this staying home thing just doesn't allow for the time I figured it would.

So here I am. 6 days into unemployed, going nuts, and just now sitting to write. I did watch an entire season of Sex and the City the other night. All 3 discs. Which always puts me in the mood to say something because just like those girls on the show, I've dated alot of losers, freaks, and seemingly normal men that turned out to be sissy crybabies who wouldn't know a drop of testosterone if it jump up and spit on them. But I just can't say it any better than Carrie does. She is genius. Rather, the author that wrote the book and shows is the genius, but she is the genius behind carrie.

i love watching the show with my husband (which is why i bake him cookies every day because he suffers though this show without complaining) because it makes me truly greatful for the wonder that is him. He didn't cme into y life and make any grand promises for grand gestures to come at a later date. Take heed men....he just did them. Want to win a girls heart? Just shut the fuck up and do what you say and say what you mean and mean what you say. We appreciate doers not sayers. And criers. You don't have to hold open a door for me. It's perfectly fine if I get it myself because it shows you I can take care of myself. And kick your ass.

But this..."Someday I wanna buy you a big bouquet of flowers." well, do it! If not, then don't say it. I guess I refer to one really big burn, the rebound loser. I say loser because he lost. Me. That's pretty big. But I love his style. You gotta admit. He'd make these grand promises of things he wanted to do for me. So when he asked for 10 bucks for gas, it didn't look so bad. Because see, he WANTED to buy flowers, but look, I'm broke. So you gotta help me so I can get to the flower buying stage.

My husband had 3 bouquets of flowers sent to me in 2 weeks. I guess his proposal meant so much because he never asked anything about rings and my preferences or anytihng. He just got the basics that I would only wear white gold if I were ever to get remarried (that was a deliberate hint in case he was going to buy me any kind of jewelry). Then he went and bought it and well, I will admit, he fished around a bit with hints to make sure I was in fact going to say yes if he asked. Man, that would have been a sucky ass drive out of the wildlife refuge if I had said no! It was such a surprise because out of all the rings in the world, I might never have picked this one on my own, but every day it still makes me so happy to see it. So delicate and dainty and me. Any asshole can go buy a 1.5 carat solitare from Zales and call it a day. It takes a real man to put thought into my style and know that a low profile ring was going to fit into my life and my job much better. And I don't think he realized that the only wedding band that would have went with it was the one I got, but it really makes the set stand out.

Ok. Enough jewelry talk. Hey, it's Christmas and nothing will ever top the diamond ring at Christmas. I will never get a piece of jewelry like this again so I have to gush.

A year ago though, I had this feeling that he had this up his sleeve. It was a gut feeling. I was hoping for an engement ring, but hey, a diamond necklace would have been good too. I wasn't going to be one of those pissy ass women. I knew hed ask me eventually. It was more of a finance thing. I didn't know he had money to buy it. lol But I KNEW he wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him. (If you are new here, we had been together for 6 weeks when we got engaged and i regret none of it.) Mr Rebound loser kept picking out these $4000 rings that were as ugly as fuck and ssaying maybe someday...or would take me to walmart the next day and ask if I'd settle for a nice $200 chip. Um. Neither please. I realize now that it was a rebound. And not love because you don't treat someone you love like that. Hell maybe it was bipolar. (Him not me) I know it seems odd that over 2 years after the fact I still harbor ill will towards this guy, but it was that kind of headgame bullshit that I'm still fully coming to terms with. That whole "look, see I WANT to buy you this ring that would pay for your car three times over but since I can't, I CAN buy you this piece of shit and if you REALLY loved me you'd take it, otherwise you are shallow and I'm going to tell all my friends how shallow you are because I make promises I don't keep." I guess the jokes on him because he didn't really realize women talk too. I just know my husband means what he says and doesn't make promises he won't or can't keep. If you don't personally know him, he calls it just how he sees it. Sometimes he borders on rude to people, and hell, that's one of the things I love about him. He stands up for the people he cares about. And if I ask him to, he will bite his tongue because he knows I'm a peacekeeper, and if I want it, he will always respect me and go with it. But like me, he isn't a liar and if he doesn't respect you, you know it. Because he simply cannot hide it.

I said yes a year ago because I loved the man. I knew him. But not nearly in the deep sense I know him now. I think it's something that grows every single day. The day I married him I knew it was forever. There was no "Well if it doesn't work out there is always divorce". It was either we get married and we make it work or we don't get married. Period.

I think what I like most about us is that we are alike but we are not. Before him I went through a variety of guys. I dated the guys just like me. They drove me nuts with their neuroses. I dated guys opposite of me. I drove them nuts. Then I made the fatal error of using my exH as a guage and tried to find guys that were the complete opposite of him because he drove me crazy and if we were not soul mates, then why would i date anyone who resembled him at all? Well. As it turns out, THEY ARE ALL LIKE HIM. Right about the time I stopped doing that comparison thing and just started seeing people for who they are, my husband came walking along in life. Quiet, non assuming , wanting nothing from me but to get to know me, and eventually worship me. Sometimes we make me sick at how sickly sweet we are. Sometimes we make me sick at our nasty ass farts. And somewhere in between there are 2 people who just make a life together each day, who spend time together each day listening to eachothers day, problems, observations, worries. We get to know eachother more deeply every day. We are both busy busy people, we have as many kids as anyone else I know, except those 18 kids and counting idiots, and we know that if you don't put your marriage as high up as you do your relationship with your children, well, you may as well not get married. I've done that whole my kids come first and the marriage a distant 2nd. Somewhere, those ideas I had about how parenting and marriage works are lining the cage of some stupid bird. I'm not a real big fan of friends and hanging out because if i hear that "My husband won't let me" i see red. Not at the husband but at the dumb set of boobs he is married to. REally? You still live in 1732? Because I live in 2009 and last I checked I didn't get a labotomy when I said my vows. Dear God, the blood.

Or how about the "if she'd do (insert some stupid task it takes longer to bitch about than actually do)" and I look at the poor man who had his hands chopped off when he got married. Should have amputated something else then....

No, I like that neither one of us have to really ask the other for anything, but yet, we have respect enough to ask and not assume, and everytime the other one is fine and happy to do it because we were asked, but would have anyways.

Maybe after 1 year we don't have all of the answers but well, we do have most of them.

I guess I've rambled on about everything and nothing long enough. We have one more "1 year anniversary" and then it's all just gravy on the forever train. Our wedding anniversary. Dear lord. Get your vomit bag ready now...gush.