i'm multitasking, turning my letter to my husband into a homework assignment.

this week we were assigned to write about WHATEVER OUR HEARTS DESIRED and i figure since this won't happen again, I'd write about one of my 5 favorite things: my husband. (thats tied with our 4 daughters. and krispy kremes. and shoes. and my fake coach purse.)

at this point i'm trying not to be pissy because i had this whole really cool paragraph written out and my stupid computer froze and i just want to punch the gallderned thing and what i love about that is that he would too if it had been him. we are so similar in our hothead dropping the f bomb wherever we are kind of attitudes.

ok. i'm feeling sappy. well, as sappy as *I* get.

babe. it's been a year since i skipped down the aisle wearing a quasi white dress and vowed to bug the ever lovin shit out of you for the rest of my days. i meant that too. i seriously will.

it amazes me that i've been mrs. lyons for a year now. i've almost been with you as long as i was single and you now have the distinction of being my 2nd longest relationship. it's going to be a long fuckin 8 years waiting to knock that other dude off the chart. sorry. :(

it's been a crazy ass year and what really wigs my shit out is that i still worship you and i still adore your every move. i still see you as this most wonderful creature who couldn't possibly love a girl like me. and then when you do, every second of the day, it surprises me. remember when i thanked you for surprising me with life? you still do. every day.

every day when i have whack a doodle ideas and you don't think i'm stupid. or crazy dreams and want to name children weird ass names. or when i cry about shit that doesn't really matter or i want to punch someone for no reason and you say here, punch me. or days when i feel like hiding from the world because 33 years into this life i still feel worthless sometimes and sometimes i feel like i don't count and i won't make my mark on this world and you remind me why i am alive and that the air that i breathe is precious. and every step i take is magical to you and every dream i've ever had is worthwhile to you.

i love how we argue over who's had the shittier life and who deserves the most and who's the most wonderful and special. i love how no matter how insignificant you validate me everyday. i need not look anywhere else for the validation and i never have to explain myself to you. i'm upset? you're looking for the bastard who did it.

i love how i don't have to ask you to remember to remember me. valentines day, anniversaries, my birthday, you're planning months in advance to remember me. i don't have to say "hey dick cheese, my birthday is in 68 days." and then every day thereafter remind you.

i love how you would never ever break my heart and don't even get pissed that you've had to put my broken heart back together over the last year because i was still broken in many ways when we met. and today i am still a broken woman trying to figure out how to move forward. i love that i love you with my whole heart but you know that doesn't mean i've forgotten. and you don't expect i will ever forget and you don't hold it against me. i'm not sure how you understand that the pain i feel inside is just something that i cannot escape and that my dreams are still haunted and you hold me like only a true man could.

i love how you know that you were the only man man enough to take me and my girls and make us whole. all those other dudes had no idea what a gold mine they had and you are so greatful for stupid people because you know you came out the winner.

it is all this that has my respect for you. we worship eachother and we don't see anything wrong with that. we are eachothers best friends.

i never really thought i would find this. in fact, i remember accepting that i was just meant to be alone and right about that time, i found you. i wasn't even looking. everyone said it would happen like that and by that point i was so afraid to get hurt again and you didn't even make it hard to be with you. you made it so easy to fall for you. i didn't have to wonder if you returned my feelings because real men stand up and say what they feel and don't need to play games. notice i didn't say real men cry. he's not a pussy folks. but real men don't jerk women around.

i want so badly to tell these young girls i go to school with that if you aren't sure how he feels then he's probably just some idiot looking for some. i have played that game so much i have the freaking tshirt. i want so badly to tell these women who's husbands still act like jackholes and don't hand over the remote or get up in the middle of the night to check out a sound that he isn't a man at all.

sometimes i think you should teach a course. everyone asks you how you got a woman like me. i say what? how did i get a man like you? and our response would be by being real, honest, and ourselves.

i don't have all the answers to life but i know this much, what he have is love and a mutual respect and i think the majority of people out there have it ALL WRONG. i know most people think we are just stupid for getting engaged just 6 weeks into our relationship but i think we had it under control. you pretty much knew i wasn't going to take any shit. i made that clear to just about everyone in life, and i do it even more now. i don't think you would have proposed to me if you hadn't been prepared to take my bad ass and deal with me forever.

and maybe we did get married fast but i'm sure glad we did. i love how it only seemed logical to get me a ring. you knew i was the one. why wait for a year to "be sure". why not just get the diamond and make my Christmas special, especially knowing Christmas is a real shitty time of year for me.

how about giving me all new memories to warm my heart? how about Valentines day. instead of telling me it's not a real holiday it doesn't count, you get me things and make me feel like I fucking count because i just do count. or my birthday, not making me REMIND you a hundred times, instead throwing me a party of 2 with my own special cake and my own table full of presents and my own candle to make a wish on. and then thanking me for being born. or mothers day, taking my daughtes to the store to each get me something special. this sounds incredibly materialistic but unless you've been continually forgotten for many years, then you can't possibly know how it feels to be cherished. and then watching the one who forgot about you cherish another, well, it hurts all over again. so then when the one comes along and cherishes you every day, then yeah, those little things, they count.

our wedding anniversary is just around the corner and yes this letter is an early gift because i'm dumb like that, i give letters as gifts. and journals and cheap crap because i never did know how to shop for a man. the good thing about you is you love everything i give you. i wonder if all our other years will fly like this one has. i certainly hope none of them bring as many changes as this one has,but if they do, then we have eachother. it's been a hard year and i never could have survived all this stinkin change without you because not just cops hate change, little red headed girls from seymour indiana hate change too and i've become intimately acquainted with several sides of indianapolis in the last 4 months.

thankyou for being my rock and understanding how hard it's been. i have felt incredibly alone these last 4 months and you take care of my heart and help me adjust because lets face it, it's not like i had anything in seymour either. it's just the fact that i have had to leave everything i know. i don't miss the 30 mph speed zones. and i dont miss stopping at yellow lights.

i can't imagine where the next 30plus years will lead us. not that i think we'll be done in 30 years, i'm thinking about retirement here. i wonder how many places we'll call home. how many people will call us mom and dad. i wonder how many different uniforms you might get the priviledge of wearing. i wonder how many ways you'll surprise me. i wonder about all the things we'll see together. i wonder about lost family and new places we might find. whose lives we might touch.

one thing i never wonder about my life and that's if you'll be there because there is no if. i know it took me a long long time to let that wall down and every day you take another brick out and toss it aside, still trying to get me to trust you. and i think it's safe to say i pretty much do but every day we each solve another piece of the puzzle that is us. we've each seen alot of crap and been hurt in indescribable ways and i think God brought us together because unless you've lived it, you don't get it. we get eachother.

i think we are better and stronger than we were march 21, 2009. and i am sure we'll be stronger on march 21, 2011. and even more so on march 21, 2040.

i look back to that first date and you were such a stranger to me then. but i look back and chuckle because i so get what you were doing that first date now that i know what an ass you are. you were so seeing if i was like every other ditzy dipshit you dated. how surprised you must have been to find someone who wasn't afraid to tell you exactly how awesome and smart she was right there as we bowled and checked eachothers asses out while you interrogated me. and looking back and see that you were looking for inconsistencies to see if i was trying to misrepresent myself to you. i know because you do that shit now to other people. i especially think it's cool how you waited until the 2nd date to fall all over yourself because you knew any worship too soon and i would have known you were a liar.

i love how we relive that date over and over again as we lay in bed, chuckling at how nervous we were. and how we came so close to not becoming a couple and how every day we are so greatful that we wound up together. it melts my heart that you weren't giving up until i told you to get lost dickhead. and i never did. you wouldn't leave me alone because you knew there was something there, and i was so afraid and i pushed and pushed because i was such a loser. and you just didn't buy that story.

i love you more and more as the days go on and even though i can't guess what next month holds for us. the way our luck has been we'll probably be living in another country speaking swahili driving a car run on corn. stranger things have happened. i can assure you, however, that no matter what life decides to throw at us next, we'll be together always hunny. thankyou for meaning it when you said you would love me unconditionally. i love that i finally found someone who knows what the fuck that means.