so i had a writing assignment...

hmmm. that's odd. Me? WRITE? Whatever will I do...insert eyeroll.

It's simple. I have to take English 111 to graduate. I hate taking English 111. Not for the same reason as most everyone else in my class. They all hate writing and would rather pull teeth than be in this class. I love to write. The reason I'm hating English 111 is because I have to do research papers, and then write my findings, and use CORRECT GRAMMAR. Yikes. I haven't had to do that in several years. Like a decade and a half.

So I bought the handy dandy reference guide that should help me out with the paper and citing sources and all that bull. I loved loved LOVED dropping more on this little SPIRAL bound book to refresh my dusty brain than I would to take my kids to McDonalds every day for a month.

We were given a journal and another reason I hate this is because we have to write in this form: Opening paragraph, 3 body paragraphs, and then a closing paragraph.

I don't write this way.

I figure this journal gets turned in for a grade in MAY, I am going to be assigned to write personal things in it every week until then, so I think I will just do things my way.

Wonder how that's going to fly?

I figure if I follow the rules on my research papers, I can do whatever I want in my own personal journal. This is my type of writing. Journal style writing. So as a result, THIS ENTRY will be my 2nd assignment. When am I going to get to that I wonder?

How about.............now.

We were told to write an entry telling her (the teacher that is younger than me) how to MAKE something. Lovely. I'm sure we all remember doing this in high school. It sucked then and it sucks now. And I'm picturing 30 entries starting out like this...

"first you blah blah blah. Then you add blah blah blah. NEXT, you will blah blah blah. And finally, blah blah blah."

This just isn't me. I'm not doing it for an informal piece. I will follow the rules on a formal piece but not on an informal piece. And part of me thinks this teacher who loves to read and write and collect books just like I do might find this entertaining, a student going away from the grain. Think?

When we were given the assignment I instantly flashed on smart ass things like: How to make babies. How to make a child cry. How to piss an ex off. But reality struck and I knew I would tell her how to make my world-famous-everyone-who-eats-them-falls-in-love-with-me-chocolate-chip-cookies. Because seriously, I will concur that my writing sometimes sucks, but my cookies NEVER EVER suck. So lets delve into this awesomeness.

FIRST....ah, we aren't going to do that. I think I'm a little over my 5 paragraphs. I take a huge mixing bowl, and it needs to be huge to hold the entire recipe because I do one bowl cooking. Meaning I don't mix the dry ingredients in a seperate bowl like most recipes tell you. I dirty one bowl because lets face it, I'm a great baker, horrible cleaner.

I start by throwing, well, PLACING DOWN IN THE BOWL nicely, 1 cup of brown sugar, 1/2 cup white sugar, 1/2 cup of butter (it will be one stick of butter) and 1/2 cup of butter crisco (this will be a half stick). I have cooked them with all crisco and they will come out PERFECTLY but a little shortening-y. They will look like Martha Stewart cookies but the taste lacks a little. Cook with all butter and they will flow like lava out of Mt St helens. So 1 full cup of the buttery type product, but half and half will make them taste and look just perfect.

You will want to mix this with your handy dandy hand mixer till blended. The next step is absolutely my secret that I'm only sharing to get a good grade. You put 2 eggs and 2 tsp of vanilla in the bowl. And then don't just mix. MIX WELL. Have you ever mixed egg whites until frothy to make a meringue? It's the same concept. I set my stove timer for 2 FULL minutes and use my hand mixer to mix the crap out of my dough. Once you add in that flour you won't get another chance to mix super well. This step has no danger of overmixing, the egg stage. So after 2 minutes, put down the mixer, step away slowly, and take a deep breath. These last 2 steps are not at all important to the cookies.

You are next going to break the rules and throw all dry ingredients in at once. This might feel weird at first. You will soon get used to it. I do it for everything I make now.

Into your bowl measure out 1 tsp of salt, 1 tsp of baking SODA (the arm and hammer stuff) and 2 cups of flour. Mix with your handy dandy mixer until blended and the flour is all incorporated. Turn that mixer off again.

Now we move on to the heavy artillery. CHOCOLATE. Two of my children are peanut allergic so I cannot use most any of the name brand chocolate chips on the market. Not Nestle, not Hershey, not Giradelli, not Walmart brand. I happened to be strolling through Kroger one time and out of curiosity saw the Kroger brand. I picked up the bag and low and behold, they are safe for peanut allergics!!!! If I could have gotten my legs over my head I would have done a cartwheel right there. I have bought the generic for many years, but once, they were out of the regular morsels so I was forced to buy the miniature morsels and sweet Jesus and Mother Mary. You get even MORE chocolate coverage with the minis. It's like every bite is soaked with chocolatey goodness.

My point? Use whatever the hell morsels you want but I cannot guarantee they will turn out like mine if you choose not to use the semisweet miniature chocolate morsels I use. Dump these in the bowl. Try not to eat any.

Spoon mix the batter to fully incorporate the chocolate chips.

Well, I'm guessing this is my error in writing. I should have had you warm up the stove at the beginning. Sorry. Mark a few points off for me. You are going to preheat the over to 350 degrees.

While that is going on lets get out the baking sheets. I use plain jane throw away once a year pans, 3 for 3 bucks at walmart. My SECRET here is, I use parchment paper. You can find this in the tin foil aisle at any major store. It is NOT the same as wax paper (she says sheepishly) You line the baking sheets and I can personally guarantee that you will get a more even bake on your cookies than if you try to use greased cookie sheets. This tip works for ALL cookies. I bake about 30 different variety of cookies a year. I use parchment paper on my pans regardless of what the directions say. Ignore the greasing if it says to do so.

So now, our oven should be hot. Lets get 2 cereal spoons out to start placing the cookies down on the sheet and get ready for the good smells! Spoon up a 1 inch or so amount out of the bowl with one spoon, use the other spoon to help you wipe the dough off onto the cookie sheet. Keep the dough dollops relatively small, unless you want giant cookies then knock yourself out. But we like small balls around these parts.

I usually tend to open my oven door next and put my cookie pans in. That might just be me but it's a good way to get to the finished product faster! Now, set your timer for 9 minutes. 9. not 8. not 7. not 11. 9. Unless your stove runs hotter than normal, then maybe I would advise a minute less.

When they are finished baking, you need to pull the pans out of the oven, but again, maybe thats just me. I let mine cool on the pans for about 2 minutes, then I scoop them down onto a wire cooling rack. This would be the most important step of all. Count down the minutes until every last cookie is demolished. Or if you are in my house, watch Trinity take little bites out of each cookie, either way, they don't last long.

For a good time and a reason to go to the gym, go back to the beginning of this journal entry and repeat ALL the steps.

This concludes my journal entry on how to make something. I fully intend on taking CREATIVE writing next semester and this will totally be my thing. I think I will love it like I love chocolate. I think that's what makes me such a dork. And thats ok. I will be the dork with an A.